An Act to Promote Marriage Equality and Affirm Religious Freedom

Well, this news about the repeal of the so-called “gay marriage” law in Maine has really got me down.

You probably already know that the Maine state legislature passed the bill last April, and that it was signed into law by Gov. John Baldacci in May. It was supposed to go into effect on September 1, 2009.

But then groups with names like Stand for Marriage Maine and the Maine Coalition of Concerned Families decided the legislature had it all wrong, and they collected enough signatures to put the law on the ballot this last November 3 as “Question 1.”

That way, the people could decide.

Not the people who wanted a same-sex marriage, of course. They were obviously prejudiced. The other people, who weren’t. Prejudiced, I mean.

Meanwhile, the Roman Catholic Diocese of Portland, the National Organization for Marriage, the Daughters of Isabella, the Knights of Columbus, the Eagle Forum, and the Family Watch International, along with PACS such as Maine4Marriage, Maine Marriage Initiative, Maine Marriage, and Marriage Matters in Maine (you can tell they pretty quickly ran out of ideas for names) all got together to hold “No on Homo” rallies, trick-or-treat for marriage (white sheets were a popular costume), and escort voters to the polls in oxcarts and other vehicles reminiscent of the century in which more than half of the state’s residents evidently live.

When all the precincts had reported in on election day, gay marriage was out out out! By 52.7% to 47.25% (or, if you like raw numbers, by 27,729 votes).

Well, my god. Is anyone surprised? I mean, I read Stephen King novels. I know what those people are like! Annie Wilkes, Joe St. George, Warden Samuel Norton. Do I need to draw you a picture?

But, as I say, the whole thing has me lower than a snake in a wagon rut. I was counting on the gay-marriage law in Maine, along with the ones in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, Vermont, and New Hampshire, to help pave the way for my own marriage plans. You know, we were feeling pretty optimistic about the whole bandwagon, critical-mass theory.

For years now, me and my sister, Ethyleen, have been hoping to obtain formal recognition for our long-term, committed civil partnership with our Lapponian Reindeer Dog, Frank. What I mean is, we want to get married, just the three of us, and I was convinced we’d be able to kind of slide in there, along with the gays.

And we are not the only ones! Just in our town, we know of all kinds of relationships that would benefit: two nephew-uncle couples, two aunt-nieces, three brother-brothers or sister-sisters (and at least one brother-sister-mother-parakeet), a mixed Muslim dromedary/Asian Catholic marriage, and who knows how many canine-human unions (including a number of monogamous multiple-mastiff households).

Here’s a recent photo of Frank, by the way, in a reflective mood.

Anyway, those people in Maine somehow caught wind of us, and they started raising holy hell about incest and bestiality and one thing and another, and that was all she wrote. Frankly, I still don’t know how they figured out what the American Civil Liberties Union and the people at Protect Maine Equality really had up their sleeves (though I suspect Glo, Frank’s groomer, had something to do with it; she says she’s in love with her Oaxacan spiny-tailed iguana, but I’ve seen how she looks at Dirk, the shampoo boy).

In any case, what happened in Maine promises to put the kibosh on the whole plan. In fact, if things keep going like this, what with all those other initiatives and propositions and amendments and what have you, I don’t know what we’re going to do. Frank has turned out to be awfully susceptible to ringworm, and Ethyleen is the only one with health insurance on account of her job as day manager at the Snack’n’Spew. We need to get Frank covered because those miconazole treatments aren’t paying for themselves!

I hate to say I told you so, but the fact is that I did try to warn people that this was going to happen. I stood right up at our meetings and I said, “Folks are going to figure out that we’re only supporting same-sex marriage because we want to tie the knot with our gerbils and our next of kin. You’re not going to fool anyone.”

But no one ever listens to me. And the next thing you know, you’ve got sweet little old ladies in Maine waving Bibles and talking about necrophilia.

Anyway, what I say is, it’s time for a schism. Let the gays go off and fight their own battles from now on. They’re obviously not doing us one damn bit of good.


Posted on 4 November 2009, in Queer ... Plus All Those Acronyms, You Can Always Count on a Little Homophobia and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. >God, I'd marry Frank. Those eyes… The flare of those nostrils…

  2. >Frank is a keeper, isn't he?

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