Tebowing – In Which Tim Tebow Stops Praying and Figures Out What Else His Knees Might Be Used For

Pop culture being the full-time commitment that it is, I’m almost always at least a few weeks behind the latest “news.”

Which explains why I’m only now getting around to commenting on David Beckham’s Super Bowl Sunday underwear ad.

Now, I didn’t actually watch the Stupor Bowl — and, in fact, take a certain amount of pride in saying I’ve never watched one in my life, which is the kind of winning streak I hope to maintain for another 50 years — but I am capable of putting two and two together.

Or one and one, as the case may be.

Imagining that Tim Tebow watched the game and, unless God happened to call him a safe distance away during the publicity breaks, certainly saw Beckham’s rock-this-body shill for overpriced underwear, I find myself filled with childlike curiosity.


What happened when Tebow saw Beckham’s ad? And more to the point, didn’t it make him feel even the tiniest urge to get down on both knees? I mean, maybe just for a few, plesmograph-busting seconds?

I know that whenever I see Tim down there, I can’t help but recall Madonna’s famously provocative line, “Every straight guy should have a man’s tongue in his mouth at least once.” Yeah, well, his tongue at the least.

And then when straight guys like Beckham get all soft-porny and strip down to their giblet-cases so they can use their “I’m too sexy for my shortsiness” in order to sell products to other men, well, I start being confused about what gay and straight mean.

Which is a very good thing. Because it points up why the difference between “I wanna be him” and “I wanna do him” is the real thin blue line.

Or, as Woof says when the Army shrink asks him, in the famous draft-board scene from Hair (the 1979 movie version) whether he’s sexually attracted to men:

Woof: You mean if I’m a homosexual or something like that?
Army Psychiatrist: Yeah.
Woof: Well, I wouldn’t kick Mick Jagger out of my bed, but uh, I’m not a homosexual, no.

Which turned out to be a much more profound commentary on sexual orientation than most of the rest of what’s been said since 1979.

Anyway, Tim and Becks would be an awfully cute couple. Sure, there’s a 12-year age difference, but that’s even sexier when you think about it. And if TT really is still a virgin, he could do a lot worse than DB for his first outing. So to speak.

And then, wiser and more well-rounded, they could both get back to their respective wives and … whatevers. (Really, Tim — Playboy models? Katy Perry? All those “rumored to be” girlfriends? You’re “too busy” to date? Are you trying to tell us something?)

Most of all, it might mean less public praying and more private reflection. Just the sort of thing the Madonna Test was invented to accomplish.

Let’s all hit a knee and think about it.


Posted on 13 February 2012, in AmeriKKKa the Bootiful, Queer ... Plus All Those Acronyms. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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