The Master – Stop Paul Thomas Anderson Before He Directs Again

At VitaVagabonda, we don’t usually do movie reviews, but we’ve just come home from seeing The Master, the brand-new debacle from Paul Thomas Anderson, and boy are we mad.

With this review, we are going to save you not only the price of a ticket, but also the pain of reading pretentious, affected reviews by pseudo-intellectual asshats who will try to argue that The Master is “deep” or “meaningful” or (God help us) “artistic.”

So here goes: This is a bovine, uninspired film without an idea to its name. It is an example of cinematic eggheadery elevated to the level at which it becomes a hanging offense. It is a testament to the criminal insistence of some directors on assembling a group of terrific actors and putting them in gorgeous settings – and then handing them scripts constructed of colorless, incoherent twaddle and wasting every single moment they spend on-screen.

The Master is not allusive, evocative, allegorical, magnetic, oracular, deliberately ambiguous, “like life,” or any of the other bullshit you may have had the misfortune to read, if you dipped into the auto-erotic ramblings of film critics manqués who – trust me on this – don’t understand this film either but get off on trying to convince you, with their winsome and enigmatic smiles, that they do. They are not smart; they are minions. If “Master” existed in real life, they’d be the ones hand-washing his jock.

What The Master is, is unintelligible, boring, and painfully stupid. In fact, only an idiot would refuse to admit just how painfully stupid it actually is.

Paul Thomas Anderson: Please shoot yourself immediately. (No, not fatally. I don’t want him to die; I want him to suffer.) Preferably in whichever hand you direct with.

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Posted on 22 September 2012, in Cinephilia...and Cinephobia, We've Gone Mad! Mad I Tell You!, Write ... che ti passa and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. That’s certainly a definite review, W… I’m laughing, because at the moment, I have a total of 44 students (24 at university, 20 at community college), writing a discussion board (Blackboard) review of something in an forum called “Be a Critic!” About half are in; I’ll be grading the rest early next week. Jan Bone, in Illinois, where frost is predicted nearby tonight 9/22/12.

    • The great thing is that I don’t have to be anything like a real critic; I’m just a cranky guy with a blog. That’s especially true in the case of movies, regarding which I am of the same mind as Fran Lebowitz: “If you are presently, or just about to be, of [the opinion that movies are an important art form], perhaps I can spare you years of unbearable pretension by posing this question: If movies (or films, as you are probably now referring to them) were of such a high and serious nature, can you possibly entertain even the slightest notion that they would show them in a place that sold Orange Crush and Jujubes?”

  2. Wait. You run a site called Cine Snob?

    No wonder.

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