Wendelletto I – Papa Subito!/Pope Now!

Starting today, with the startling announcement that Pope Benedict XVI will resign from the papacy effective 28 February 2013, I am pleased to announce my candidacy for Pope.

Here are the initial highlights of my 2013 campaign:

  • Campaign slogan (Italian): Non ci sono santi.
  • Campaign slogan (Latin): Ita erat quando hic adveni.
  • Campaign song (English): “Where the Boys Are.”
  • Platform: Heels.
  • On women in the church: Throw off your old, tired habits! Come up here where the incense is!
  • On nuns in general: All convents and orders of Catholic nuns will be reorganized under the auspices of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence.
  • On marriage equality: The marriages of Donald Trump, Silvio Berlusconi, Tom Cruise, Kelsey Grammer, Billy Bob Thornton, and other serial bad-wedders are hereby annulled, and they will be prohibited from marrying again within their species. In a new Catholic campaign to promote the sanctity of marriage worldwide, celebrities and career politicians may “date” but cannot marry.
  • On birth control: Please do.
  • On the Swiss Guard: New uniform concept. Much less Papageno. Much more Spartacus. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
  • On the sex abuse scandals: Naming names and taking numbers. (Currently reading Stalin’s How to Hold a  Purge on a Budget.)
  • On Vatican Museums catalog translation: Now this is an issue that’s rocking the papacy. First thing, motherlinguals only need apply. Second thing, I already know who I’m assigning the catalog translations to, so you probably shouldn’t even bother. Third thing, none a y’all bitches know how to speak Latin any more, so don’t even front.
  • And on the really important issues: No more busloads of Japanese tourists holding up the line to get into the Sistine Chapel! Write me personally and I’ll send you a ticket. One per customer. No shoving. I’m looking at you, Sisters of Charity.

More details to follow as soon as David Axelrod returns my calls!!


Posted on 11 February 2013, in Write ... che ti passa and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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