Wendelletto I – Papa Subito!/Pope Now!
Starting today, with the startling announcement that Pope Benedict XVI will resign from the papacy effective 28 February 2013, I am pleased to announce my candidacy for Pope.
Here are the initial highlights of my 2013 campaign:
- Campaign slogan (Italian): Non ci sono santi.
- Campaign slogan (Latin): Ita erat quando hic adveni.
- Campaign song (English): “Where the Boys Are.”
- Platform: Heels.
- On women in the church: Throw off your old, tired habits! Come up here where the incense is!
- On nuns in general: All convents and orders of Catholic nuns will be reorganized under the auspices of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence.
- On marriage equality: The marriages of Donald Trump, Silvio Berlusconi, Tom Cruise, Kelsey Grammer, Billy Bob Thornton, and other serial bad-wedders are hereby annulled, and they will be prohibited from marrying again within their species. In a new Catholic campaign to promote the sanctity of marriage worldwide, celebrities and career politicians may “date” but cannot marry.
- On birth control: Please do.
- On the Swiss Guard: New uniform concept. Much less Papageno. Much more Spartacus. Yeah, that’s the ticket.
- On the sex abuse scandals: Naming names and taking numbers. (Currently reading Stalin’s How to Hold a Purge on a Budget.)
- On Vatican Museums catalog translation: Now this is an issue that’s rocking the papacy. First thing, motherlinguals only need apply. Second thing, I already know who I’m assigning the catalog translations to, so you probably shouldn’t even bother. Third thing, none a y’all bitches know how to speak Latin any more, so don’t even front.
- And on the really important issues: No more busloads of Japanese tourists holding up the line to get into the Sistine Chapel! Write me personally and I’ll send you a ticket. One per customer. No shoving. I’m looking at you, Sisters of Charity.
More details to follow as soon as David Axelrod returns my calls!!