Senate Republicans Demand Higher Gun-Death Quotas

Vow No Action on Background Checks Until Obama Approves Additional Senseless Violence

WASHINGTON — Gun control advocates led by President Barack Obama suffered a huge setback Wednesday as the Senate defeated a compromise bill aimed at strengthening background checks for gun buyers – and then proceeded to reject a ban on assault weapons and limits on ammunition clips.

Florida Senator Marco Rubio was quick to embrace his party’s victory. “Democrats whine about how sixty-seven percent of U.S. homicides are committed with firearms or how there have been seven mass shootings since January 2011, when Gabrielle Giffords was wounded,” Rubio said. “We say big deal. Forty-thousand people die in car accidents each year in the U.S. Virtually every single one of them had a license. Clearly, big-government systems don’t actually prevent deaths.”

Sen. Orrin Hatch (R-Utah) was similarly dismissive. “Current gun-violence statistics are too low to be meaningful,” he declared. “Do you know how many people there are in China? One billion, three hundred forty-five million. That’s billion with a ‘B.’ And people want the entire Senate to get excited about a few thousand gun-related homicides? Bring us some real numbers and we’ll talk,” Hatch added.

Reached at a celebratory Washington cocktail party on the evening following the vote, Wayne LaPierre, Executive Vice President of the National Rifle Association, was gleeful. “We told Obama in no uncertain terms that he needed to raise quotas on senseless gun violence in America, and he refused. Well, he lost and we won. We’ve proved yet again that buying senators is more effective than blabbing on and on about ‘children’ and ‘safety.'” 

Addressing the dozens of Republican senators accepting grab bags of Swatches, Godiva chocolates, and cash at the black-tie event, LaPierre asked rhetorically, “Who the hell cares about safety? Any of y’all give a crap about safety?  Or children? Anyone? Naw, that’s what I thought!”

Inbred Sister-Banging Mouth-Breathers for the NRA, a group of 22 southern senators who formed a decisive bloc within the Senate’s “Gang of 45,” also issued a press release following the Senate vote. “Liberals and gun control activists say there’s no logic here,” the statement read. “They ask why Americans have to undergo background checks in order to work at Walmart but not to buy a gun at Walmart. Well, here’s the obvious answer: Shut the fuck up. That’s just the way things work in a democracy.”

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Posted on 18 April 2013, in AmeriKKKa the Bootiful, We've Gone Mad! Mad I Tell You! and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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