Welcome to the Magic Mike Bus: No One’s Getting Off
Steven Soderberg’s 2012 Magic Mike has finally appeared on cable. Here are a few reactions:
1) Can we please never watch another Steven Soderbergh film again as long as we live?
2) If I were trapped on a desert island with the strippers from Magic Mike … well, that would be a really excellent time to start studying Sanskrit.
3) No matter what role he’s playing, Matthew McConaughey always needs to wash his hair.
4) How did Soderbergh manage to make a handful of handsome, hunky men so revolting?
Corollary: Did he do it on purpose?
5) No matter how you slice it, watching a man shave his legs is not sexy.
6) How come nearly everyone who reviews or comments on this film titters about how “the ladies love it” instead of specifying that (some) straight “ladies” (might) love it? (Along with some gay gentlemen.)
Corollary A: Why, in the entire film, are they always “ladies” and never “women”?
Corollary B: Is this really what straight women love?
7) How come female strippers pretend to make out with each other on the theory that straight guys enjoy seeing that sort of thing, but Magic Mike’s male strippers never pretend to make out with each other for audiences of straight women?
Corollary A: Did Steven Soderbergh actually ask any straight women whether they might enjoy seeing that?
Corollary B: How likely is it that not one single male stripper in a group of about seven is gay?
Corollary C: On the other hand, people were in denial about The Village People for a long time, too.
Corollary D: What is Soderbergh’s deal with sex anyway?
8) It is physically impossible to dance and be butch at the same time, which explains why all the Magic Mike strippers look as though they are trying mightily to hold back an urgent BM.
Corollary: Or maybe the presence of Matt Bomer just made all the other boys clench real hard.
9) No matter what you stuff into it, a red-white-and-blue sequined jock strap is camp.
Corollary: So is dry-humping with a cowboy hat on.
10) Were we supposed to Learn Something?