The Other 37 on Marriage Equality: “We F’ing Give Already, Okay??”
washington – Following today’s announcement by the Internal Revenue Service that married same-sex partners will be allowed to file joint income tax returns beginning with the 2013 tax year, together with the decision by the Department of Health and Human Services to adopt the “place of celebration” standard when providing Medicare benefits to same-sex couples, the remaining 37 “non-equality” states in the American union today said, “We f’ing give already, okay?”
Commenting on behalf of the entire Southern Block of sixteen states, all of which had previously mounted vigorous opposition to marriage equality, Hale J. Thedford III of Deep Fork, Alabama, told reporters, “We’re just so damn tired of hearing about it. Anything that’ll make Dan Savage shut that prissy little mouth of his is fine with most of us.”
A terse statement by National Organization for Marriage president Brian S. Brown summed up the mood across the “Other 37”: “The hits just keep on coming, and no one at NOM can take it anymore. Last week it was homo housing on military bases. This week it’s homo marriage licenses in New Mexico and pro-homo marriage legislation in Hawaii. Now it’s homo income tax returns. This genie is never going back in the damn bottle. Thus, we will be closing our doors as of September 1st and opening a Starbuck’s franchise.”
Reached by phone, NOM’s Founding President, Maggie Gallagher, had this to say: “We and the other 112 people across the U.S. who still believe in the sanctity of one man-one/one-woman marriage will just be on Twitter from now on. Or you can ‘like’ us on Facebook.”
Reaction to the decision by the 37 states to drop opposition to marriage equality was somewhat muted in the gay community. Cayden “Marmaduke” Wattee was on his way to a late-season bachelor-and-bachelor party in Provincetown when our reporter caught up with him.
“What do I think about what the 37 states said?” Mr. Wattee asked. “You mean places like Texas and Florida? I thought they resigned from the United States after the last election. Do any Americans live there?”