The War on Christmas Comes But Once A Year
I know. You’re not ready, but the same thing happens every year, doesn’t it? The days start getting a little shorter, you turn your clocks back, and … BOOM! It’s already time for the WAR ON CHRISTMAS again!
As the South Florida Field Coordinator for the WOM (War on Mas – We’re taking Christ out of “Christmas”), I’m hoping you’ll join me in some of this year’s WOM activities, many of which permit you to participate right online!
1. Whenever possible, remind Christians that no reputable Bible scholar or theologian believes that Jesus was actually born in late December, a time of year in which there could not have been “shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night” because the shepherds would long before have frozen their asses off and their flock along with them.
2. Replace the Baby Jesus in public nativity scenes with a My First Disney Princess Frozen Snow Glow Elsa Singing Doll.
3. Insist on using the symbol “X” to stand in for “Christ.” Refer to believers as Xians enough times, and brain goo will start dripping out their ears.
4. Post memes of forest trees decorated with pig entrails, in celebration of the most ancient seasonal traditions. This also works in real life, if you happen to have a spare pig.
5. If carolers come to your house, ask them if they know “Shake It Off.”
6. Go to the FB page of Kirk Cameron’s new movie, Saving Christmas, and ask whether Kirk also intends on “shaving Christmas” this year or whether that Family Ties beard is just a “growing pain.”
7. Whenever the chance arises to sing “Joy to the World,” always sing the line “the Lord HAS COME” extra loud and then elbow the person next to you in the ribs a few times.
8. If someone wishes you “Merry Christmas,” burst into tears and explain that your entire family was killed in a tragic and senseless flocking incident two years ago.
9. Alternatively, respond with a heartfelt “Allahu Akbar.”
10. If you are invited to a Christmas party or dinner, attend as the Ghost of Christmas Future. Dress in a flowing black shroud and do not, under any circumstances, speak. When spoken to, point your finger at the oldest person in the room and wail mournfully.