Nation’s Toddlers Stand in Awe of the World’s Longest Recorded Temper Tantrum
As word spread that the Sanders campaign was organizing millions of protesters to descend on Philadelphia ahead of the Democratic convention in an attempt to win Sanders the presidential nomination, the nation’s toddlers have united in expressing respect and even the occasional pang of envy over the campaign’s ability to sustain a tantrum.
Three-and-a-half-year-old Jo-Jo McBirney of Athens, Georgia, told reporters that he considers the Sanders’ campaign’s plans a validation of all he and his friends have fought for over the last two years. “Everyone knows Clinton won nearly four million more popular votes than Sanders, took six more states, and has 900 more delegates, but refusal to accept reality and insistence on having ‘our way’ are a staple of the ‘terrible twos and threes,’” said McBirney. “As I move into my preschool years, I’m proud to see they’ve now also become a permanent feature of American politics.”
Two-year-old Tiffany Gianina, who achieved cult status among her Prospect Park playdate friends after she kicked her mother nonstop in the shins for the entire length of the subway ride from mid-town Manhattan to Parkside Avenue in Brooklyn, said she was rethinking her entire approach to tantrums. “I always knew the key was to never give up,” she said, “but now it’s like when Emeril throws a fistful of pepper into the pot and screams ‘Bam!’ Sanders’ followers have ‘kicked it up’ to a whole new level of commitment.”
But not all toddlers are so congratulatory. Cleveland-born Benny Brakowitz, 28 months, had this comment: “I once screamed ‘No!’ 116 times in a row in a Starbuck’s in Shaker Heights, and my friends still talk about the time I flung myself on the floor of a Kroger market and fake-cried until the security guard had to carry me out. So what? Now all of that counts for nothing? The Sanders campaign has a Twitter account, and I’m not even allowed to watch TV for more than two hours a day. Big deal!”